facing my biggest fears

it's been a while since I've written anything. I don't really know why I blog at all I know no one reads it but it's nice to get it out of my head. So I'm still in Albany. It's not so bad lol. Early voting is almost over with but I do have a new job that's coming up. A photography job. This man bought a part in a franchise and is opening it up here in Albany and he needs someone to run it. Guess who that is! ME! I'm terrified pretty much. I always said I never wanted to run a business. I'm to afraid to handle it all, but I'm going to. I know that I can do it otherwise God wouldn't have opened the door to for me to this opportunity. I know that I can do this! I know that it's an amazing opportunity for me, a great start for my career, a great experience for me. With everything that I can learn from it I can do anything afterward. I'll be able to run my own business or be part of a magazine or sale my work where ever I want. It will give me confidence in my self and give me strength. And it came at the perfect time. I've only got about a week left of work at the elections office so I was in desperate need of a job. And I'm also single now, so I need a lot of things to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.

Yea I'm single now. again lol. I know that last time I said that I said that I would be single for a while because that's what I needed to do. That I've been in a relationship for 7 years and I just need to be alone to figure out who I am and stand on my own. Well that didn't really pan out like it was suppose to. I made some mistakes that really brought me down and then I just turned right back around and got back into the same relationship with little change in how things were. So now it's been 8 years in relationships, and I'm still going to say the same thing. I need to be on my own for a while. Except this time I know who I am! I know what I want in life and in a relationship. I know what I want to do with my life and I trust God. I'll try to go threw whatever door he opens for me and I'll try to keep closed the doors that he closes. I don't want to look back and know that I missed an opportunity that He put in front of me. I know what I want in a relationship. I know that no one is perfect and there will always be problems in every relationship. No one should change to be someone else but I do believe people can change to be a better them. I can't change to be what someone wants me to be, to be someone I'm not, but I can change to be a better me!

I'm not going to tell people want I want in a relationship or in a guy because I don't want people to pretend to be that. I don't want someone to be those things just because or worse they're using you. When people know what you want they can use that to get what they want. It's the same as when people know what hurts you they can use it whenever they want and they will. People will hurt you on purpose if they know how to. So I don't want to give any one that chance, that opportunity, that power.

I said that I need to be on my own for a while, and I know that the last time it didn't work out but that was different. This time it's not just because I need to it's because I want to. I didn't want to be alone last time. I was afraid to be on my own, to stand alone, to go through life with no one to lean on, no one to be there for me. But I was wrong I have friends and family who love me, who care about me. People who I can lean on when I need to, talk to when I need them, they'll be there for me when I need them. I'm not alone. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for, the most amazing sister that anyone could have. They have always been there for me and they always will be and that gives me relief and strength to go on. To know that I'm not doing this by myself.

I AM FACING MY BIGGEST FEAR!

The fear of being alone and I'm realizing that I'm never really going to be alone. I have friends and family and above all God. But I know that I will be lonely because I will be missing out on being in a relationship with someone I truly love and loves me in return. But like I said this time I'm not just being alone because I need to, it's because I want to. I don't want to give my heart to someone else just to have it broken again. I'm tired of all the stress, strain, and pain. I don't want to go through it again. I'm not sure I even can. My trust has been broken and I don't know if I'll be able to trust again. I exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not sure that I can be in a relationship again. I don't know if I have the energy or will power to put myself at risk again. The risk or hurt, pain, crying, doubt, confusion. I've put myself on the line, I have fallen too many times and no one caught me. I'm not sure I can do it again. I think I might just be replacing my fear of being alone with a fear of being hurt. And that may be unhealthy and not a real solution but I'm ok with it for now. I'm 23 and have plenty of time to figure out how to love again so for now I'm just going to try not to worry about it.

So that's all I got for now. Maybe something great will happen for me to write about soon.

Lately

Lately there really hasn't been much going on, since I've moved back to Albany. I work in the Lee Co. Elections Office during early voting (I get to see loads of stupid people). I've been thinking about starting another blog and talk about the stupid people we see, listen to and deal with. Also about things that are going on in the news and my opinion on them lol. I've had several people tell me that they would definitely read that blog hahahaha. Anyways so I have that job which is only temporary so I still need to find a permanent job. Sometimes I answer phones at my dads office. It's really boring and sometimes aggravating but I live in their house so I deal with it.

I got together with my girls for our annual summer visit/trip. We went to the lake this year (you can see some pictures on the previous blog) and it was wonderful! It actually coincided with my b-day so I got to spend my 23rd b-day with my best friends! It was the best b-day I've had since I was a child. I love my friends so much their amazing!

Other than that I really don't have much going on. Life is pretty boring but I guess that's better than being crazy and always stressed about everything.

WHAT A GREAT WEEKEND! ! !

It was a great weekend at the lake with some of my best friends! My birthday was on friday and spent it with them. It was probably the best birthday I've had since I was a little kid. We had a great time tubing and sking and just sitting around talking and laughing. I love my friends and don't know where I'd be without them.

Woo Hoo ! ! !

So yesterday I went to the lake with my parents and tried to ski again. I tried last year but my arm strength wasn't that great so I couldn't really pull my self up all that well. But this year I did it! It took me about 12 trys of crashing and getting bruises on my leg I finally got up and skied for about 10 seconds. Now I know that doesn't sound like very long but when you've never skied before 10 seconds feels like a long time! lol. Then saturday afternoon I tried again and got up the first time! I also lasted at LEAST 30 seconds maybe a lil longer. It was AWESOME! But then I crashed and couldn't get back up again cause I was too tired. I have 4 bruises on my legs and the whole front of my body is sunburned, but it was so much fun and I was so excited that I did it.

more than just

I don't understand why people think that just because I'm a photographer my whole life should revolve around photography. That my whole world is all about photography and art. Guess what it doesn't! That's stupid! Being a photographer doesn't define who am. I am many things not just a photographer! I am a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, woman, single person in a committed relationship. I work at the elections and registration office. I love watching movies. I love going to the beach and hanging out with my friends. I don't even really like art. I don't know who painted what or what time period a statue was made. That does not interest me. I don't really like andy warhols work. I am not inspired very often by famous photographers from history. I am inspired by things I see in the world! Just because I went to an art school doesn't mean that I am an artsy person. I love taking photos, I like creating things with my hands, and I like doodling. That's it! I don't draw elaborate pictures, I don't paint (in fact I hate painting), I don't make sculptures our of clay or wood (I wouldn't even know how to do that), I also am not into doing all kinds of darkroom magic with my pictures. I like film I think it's fine but frankly I prefer my digital camera and a computer. That's how I work! I don't care if you think that film is better than digital. That's your opinion and I don't care about your opinion. Don't try to convince me that film is better, to me that's like having an argument about politics. If you want to argue you need to find someone else to talk to cause I am going to ignore you or just walk away. I am not much for debating technology. I use what I can afford, if you have a problem with that get over it. I can make just as good a photograph as someone one who has the most expensive stuff and someone with a point and shoot camera could make a better picture than someone with an slr camera. Yes technology can certainly help a photograph but it really comes down to the person taking the photograph and the person looking at the photograph. It's all about aesthetics and everyone's is different. So no I don't care if you don't like my work, what I use, or the way I work, because there are people out there that do. I am not going to bend over backwards to please everyone! I am going to do what I want to do, with what I want and how I want.

Do I have a passion for photography? HELL YEA I DO! But it doesn't consume my life. I love going out with my friends. I love spending time with my niece and nephews. I love sitting around talking and playing games with my sister and brother-in-law. I love going to the beach. I love cuddling up with my man on the couch and watching movies. I love traveling. I love going out doing stuff like going into thrift stores, swimming, walking, checking out the sites, etc. I love to sleep. There are so many other aspects in a persons life that make them who they are and to be defined by just one is ridiculous.

IT'S FINALLY OVER WITH

So even though I finished college in March and got my diploma then too I still walked in the graduation ceremony on Saturday. So now I have no reason to ever step foot in that school again! YAY!!! I also packed up the majority of the rest of my stuff in Atlanta and furniture.

randomness

• lysol, glade, and febreze need to get their shit together cause apparently the only thing i can use is oust cause it's the only one who makes fragrance free stuff!

• This man on the history channel actually said that we need to rethink our priorities b/c its been 50 years that we’ve had space flight and we’ve never had a mammal reproduce and the offspring reproduce in space. REALLY !!!! you think that should be a priority! No how about cleaning up the oil spill, helping people who have been effected by the earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, etc. how bout helping people who actually need it! Why are you concerned about rats having sex in space!!!

• http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_wl2271 so I really thought that this was interesting but I just couldn't believe that there were 3 wrecks because people swerved so not to hit the frogs. REALLY?!?!?! People come on just run over the frogs! There are hundreds on the road you are going to hit some of them it's inevitable. It will be ok. There are billions in the world I think the world will survive without the hand full that you would kill with your car. People are so stupid.

• so I've changed my blog around this is now my blog about me and other stuff and I have made a photography blog about my work http://csmithphoto.blogspot.com/
  

that time of year

Well it's allergy season for me and I'm dying! I have severe allergies with grass, which is like one of the most abundant thing on earth, so yay for me. lol. Well in Albany I had an allergy doctor there and prescription nasonex medicine to keep me from losing my mind being sick. Well being in Atlanta I haven't really needed my nasonex I've been able to deal with it with just over the counter stuff, I guess Atlanta just doesn't have enough grass lol. Well this year I spent 2 weeks in Albany and my allergies went crazy! So now I'm back in Atlanta, dying from allergies, and nothing seems to be helping. I have tried tons of different medicines and nothing really helped. (by the way when the directions say drink a whole glass of water with this medicine DO IT! I forgot and an hour later I was throwing up! It was not fun). Well to get an appointment with my allergy doctor you have to do it months in advanced so I was like screw it I need a doctor up here. So I went to Doctors Express Urgent Care, which is some kinda thing off of Piedmont Hospital. It was great! It's a new building so everything is really clean. I was the only person in the waiting room which was nice. The nurses were really nice and the doctor was funny. He came in and checked out my ears, throat, listened to me breath, etc. All the usual stuff. Then said "well your congested in your ears, sinuses, chest, EVERYWHERE!" (now as if that wasn't funny enough imagine it coming from a small Korean man with a thick accent) It was hilarious! Then he said it seemed like I have severe allergies and I told him about my allergies. Then he looked at my chart and said "well I see you can't take coden so I can't give you the good stuff hahaha..." It was so funny! I was laughing and coughing at the same time. Everything he said was funny. So it was a great visit to the doctor. He gave me a prescription for steroids to jump start me and my nasonex. I am so happy to have my nasonex. I swear I don't know how I can survive with out this stuff. It's a life saver. hahaha. . . So I'm really hoping and really excited about getting better!

what kills me

There always seems to be something going wrong with me. As a baby I had colic and reflux and asthma. As a child I caught the stomach virus all the time and I never showed up on strep tests. I once got scarlet fever from not being treated for strep because the test was negative so after that if the symptoms were there they treated me for it. Like most children I had the chick pocks so that was no big deal. I hardly remember it (unlike my sister who caught it twice. she had a mild case, I got it from her, then she got a regular case of it from me lol). In middle school I had more problems with my asthma but nothing to serious. i started having pains in some of my joints. The doctor said it was just growing pains but they continued even after I was done growing. I later found out what they were and I'll get to that in a min. I got mono in high school along with several other students who had drank from the water fountain at school (which is why I never drink from fountains any more). I was diagnosed with psoriasis and severe allergies. Then acid reflux disease in college. None of these though explain why I have always been tired (I got in trouble a ton all through life for falling asleep in class, at church, everywhere). They also don't explain why my white blood cell count has always been lower than it should be.

First off my psoriasis isn't severe I have medicine for it so the only thing it that sometimes my legs itch, o and don't forget the arthritis that goes along with that. The psoriasis didn't show up till 2005 but the arthritis I've had since I was in middle school. The doctor always said it was just growing pains, even after I had stopped growing. What the hell do you think it is now you dumb ass! Anyways When the dermatologist told me that I had psoriasis and that I'll probably get arthritis I laughed and knew immediately what my pain had been all these years. So now I just pop some ibprophine when the pain starts and knock it outa the way.

So a few years later my stomach starts to bother me, which really isn't a surprise since I constantly got the stomach virus as a child. Well it got really bad so I went to the doctor. They did an endoscopy on me and determined that I have acid reflux disease. Now that shouldn't have surprised me either since I had reflux and colic as a baby. But non the less I was pissed. Seriously? another thing that I'll have for the rest of my life! But now I have it under control to a certain extent. I know what I can't and shouldn't eat, I take medicine once a day, and I deal with stress much better. Now don't get me wrong it's still a HUGH PAIN IN THE ASS to deal with. I do eat stuff that I shouldn't cause it's really really good (mostly mexican food hahaha). I have lost weight from this but I sloooowly gain some of it back. I guess that could be considered a plus, staying small hahaha. . . .

Well psoriasis and acid reflux are a daily battle but there's something that only works on killing me once a year and that's allergies. It's deathly! every spring it hits me like a ton of bricks. Stuffy and running nose, itchy red eyes, headaches, sore throat. It's incredibly aggravating. My major allergy is grass. Can you believe that GRASS! People always say just find out what your allergic to and then stay away from it. . . well that's a lot easier said than done. Grass is everywhere especially down here in south Ga. The ground will literally be yellow from all the pollen. Cars are covered in it (lucky for me my car is yellow lol). Forget about germs and bacteria flying through the air we need to be more concerned about the pollen! I'm suppose to be taking Nasonex, which is a prescription but since I've moved to Atlanta I do alright with just off the shelf stuff. This is because Atlanta doesn't have enough grass to cause me serious problems. Right now though I am in Albany, which is hell. I've been down here for a week and I feel shit! I don't know how much longer I can take it. My other allergies aren't as bad. I'm allergic to certain types of mold and mildew (which can be cool cause I can walk into a room and tell you if it's there lol. See if your allergic to something then your more sensitive to it than most people. If it's an air born allergy like mold/mildew you can usually smell it unlike people who aren't allergic to it). Then there's orris root. If you don't know what that is then your like most people in the world. Orris root is what they use to make anything with a fragrance. That's right perfume, cologne, lotion, soap, detergent, air fresheners, etc. They all have it! There are a few companies that make perfume and cologne that don't use it but those are going to cost you an arm and a leg. However there are companies that are making allergy free products. I have dryer sheets that are fragrance free that are for people who have allergies. It's wonderful!!! lol. But anyways that can be a pain in the ass to deal with. And my last allergy is cockroaches. Yes that's right cockroaches. lol. It's an air allergy though, all my allergies are air allergies. I never knew that cockroaches were producing anything that you could smell but aparently they do. I can walk into a room and tell you if there's a cockroach in there, dead or alive. I will start sneezing really bad. It's not a terrible thing to be allergic to though it's actually worked out in my advantage. I now use they excuse that I'm allergic to them so I can't be the one to kill them or pick them up to throw them away hahahaha. . .

So that's what kills me. I wonder what else I'll get. I wonder what will do me in. hahahaha . . .

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Well I did it, I finished college! After almost 5 years of college I finally finished! I spent 2 1/2 years at Darton College in Albany as a Special Education major. My last semester there I decided that's not what I really wanted to do. I could have become a special ed. teacher and done that every day till forever but I wouldn't be happy. I just would have been another person who hates there job but is stuck there. I won't be that person! However, I did have a little rough patch and I didn't graduate from Darton(A problem about skipping classes and failing statistics lol). But anyways I decided that if I am going to something for the rest of my life then it's going to be something that I absolutely love doing. So I chose photography. I got accepted to Savannah College of Art and Design in Atlanta, Ga. I was excited to be doing something that I love and to be going to an art college instead of a regular one lol, but I was also really scared. I was scared to be living by myself way from everyone I know . But after a very hard and sometimes very loooong 2 years and 3 months I FINISHED! IT'S DONE! IT'S OVER! It is such a relief to finally know that I don't have to worry about all of that any more. Now it's just finding a job and supporting myself to worry about but that's a whole nother deal lol. My last day was Thursday March 11 but it didn't really hit me just how good it feels until the other day when I realized that those feelings of never being able to make it, not get through it, can't live here, can't do this, etc. all of those feelings are gone! That scared, depressed, hopeless feeling is gone! I thought that those 2 years would feel like forever and now there over. I know that when tough times are ahead of you they feel like they will never end but then when it's over you look back and think wow I made it, I did it. It seems to happen in the blink of an eye. People always say that the older you get the fast time goes by and I am glad that it's true when it comes to hard times. So here's to the hard times that I made through. To the horrible feelings I felt but persevered on. Here's to those of you who are going through tough times and feel like it will never end. Keep on pushing through and you'll make it.

I DID IT! I'M A COLLEGE GRADUATE!!!!

Christmas time

I am so thankful that Christmas is over. I hate to say this but I'm not a big fan of Christmas. Christmas music starts being played before Thanksgiving has even happened and it's played everywhere! The stress of shopping is so horrible some people actually get sick. Having to shop for so many people, what do you buy them, where do you get it, what store has it cheaper, when are you going to go get it. There's just way too much! There is also when do you get together with everyone. This family, that family, friends, children, parents, siblings, here, there, everywhere! So much traveling. I have decided that I don't really care what traditions we had as children I will be making up my own and I will be having Christmas at my house with my hubby and children and that's it! The chances of us traveling around to do Christmas with other family members is slim lol. I love my family and I'll defiantly call them to see how their Christmas was, but I'm probably going to be mailing them their gifts. lol. Now don't get me wrong I'm not Mr. Scrooge I don't hate Christmas. I love all the lights people have on their houses, Christmas trees, and celebrating Jesus' birthday (and yes I know that it's not really when he was born). And I like buying stuff for other people.

I had a pretty good Christmas this year. I didn't get sick at any point which is always a plus lol. And there wasn't as much traveling as there was supose to be so that was nice. Spent some time at my sister and her family and had Christmas with my dads side of the family, had Christmas with my parents. So that was my Christmas in a nut shell.

COMMON SENSE/COMMON COURTESY

Now days many people don't seem to have simple common sense and they especially don't seem to have and any common courtesy! I'm tired of dealing with these idiots and ass holes so here are some helpful tips to those of you who fall into these categories!

Driving tips

• If your getting out of another cars way to let them pass move over into the right hand lane. DO NOT get into the left hand lane! You will only piss off the people that are in that lane, which are driving faster than the person you just let pass!
• If you are driving in the far left lane you had better be going at least 5 miles over the speed limit. However, if you are going 10 miles over don't feel like you should get over if some one comes up behind you wanting to go faster. I know I'm not getting out of their way if I'm already going 10 miles over.
  
• There is a reason why your car has blinkers on it. . . . USE THEM ! ! !
• Don't leave your blinkers on for an extended period of time. Most likely someone will think your turning and pull out in front of you and you will be hit. Plus it's just incredibly annoying seeing someone drive around with the blinkers on and they never turn.
  
• I understand that some people are going to talk on their phone or eat while driving and some women will put on their makeup too, but there are some things that are just beyond ridiculous. I saw a woman plucking her eyebrows while she sat at a stop light! I've seen another person working on their lap top in the passenger seat! DON'T DO THIS PEOPLE!!!
• If you own a fancy car such as a Jaguar you do not need a license plate that reads "up gr8d"!!! Just owning the car makes you a jack ass you don't need to boast it just makes you an incredibly cocky, arrogant, smug, conceited ASS HOLE!
• Speaking of stupid license plates don't get ones that say things like vroom... or lkmytoy
• When your at a red light slowing creeping up inch by inch is not going to make the light change any fast. You just make yourself look stupid.
  
• If your looking for a parking spot and see someone coming out of the store DON'T wait for them to load up their vehicle and leave just so you can get their space! Your pissing off the cars that are behind you. It makes you an incredibly selfish person and chances are you need to park in the back of the parking lot cause you need to walk to loose some weight! If you have a medical EXCUSE for needing that spot then you need to go to the doctor and get a handicap sign so you can park in the handicap spots if your that desperate.
• Speaking of parking spots it doesn't matter if your just running in to get something DO NOT take up more than one parking spot! Even if your not over the line you still might be hindering others from parking next to you because you have parked so close to the line they wouldn't be able to get out of their car. It is selfish and inconsiderate.
  
• When driving on the highway, if your in the exit only lane and it's not your exit and you can't get back over DON'T FREAK OUT!!! If you get off at the exit there is normally an on ramp on the other side or at least across the over pass. It isn't a big deal. DO NOT stop in the exit lane and block traffic trying to get back over. Also DO NOT slam on breaks in the space right in front of the exit sign, in between the exit and lanes of traffic. Most people are not going to let you back over and who ever is nice enough to let you in is still going to be mad at you because your a moron!
• Also if your in one of the left lanes don't fly across traffic trying to catch your exit. If you were stupid enough not to pay attention to the fact that your exit is coming up to get over sooner than you don't decerve to get over. Get off on one of the next exits and double back around. IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!! but you might end someone elses by wrecking.
  

Thanksgiving Craze

Thanksgiving this year was filled with love, laughter and loads of stress. You see when you no longer live with your parents, spending a weekend "traped" with them will drive you crazy. And I spent wednesday-sunday with them so I was definately losing my mind. We stayed at my sister's house which can also be a bit stressful too lol. My sister obviously no longer lives with our parents so being "traped" with them for a few days makes her a lil crazy too. She also has 3 children, 2boys ages 7 and 5, and a girl who is 6weeks old. Naturally it's a loud and busy house hahaha. . . My niece is sooo precious! I got some great shots of her this weekend and they are just too cute! Now my nephews will definately wear you out. They love to wrestle, run, dance, be loud, etc. lol. But hey their little boys that's what they do and we wouldn't want them any other way. Don't get me wrong I love my nephews they are sweet, thoughtful, loving, and hilarious! But being a single person who lives alone I'm just not use to the noise and busyness of it all hahaha. Let me tell you if you were thinking of having kids or know someone that is you should send them to spend the weekend over there and see if they can handle it, cause it will certainly make you appricate your life. Now I do want kids some day a long long long long long time from now and hanging out over there just helps me remember that lol.

So I just got to say I think my sister is one of the most amazing people ever! She is one of my heros for sure. She had an emergency c-section with the first one, a planed c-section with the other two but had an emergency historectomy, which she could have died from, with the last one and never misses a beat. She deals with two little boys and a 6 week old girl and does it miraculously. It blows me away that she handels all that like it's no big deal and also deals with our parents being there lol. I know that it's just something you do when your a parent, but I'm not one so I think it's an amazing ability hahaha. . . One day in the very very very distant future I'll have kids and I'll be doing it too and I know that she'll definatly be a great influence on me as I go through it all. Every time she's been pregnant she tells me what I should and shouldn't do when I get pregnant. Everything from food you should stay away from to medical procedures that hurt like hell lol. I'll probably be calling her several times a week when I'm pregnant hahahaha. . . . Forget needing to read books about it I got Erin Kehren as my sister and she's wonderful! She is the best sister anyone could ever have!

Eddie and I playing Jenga. The score is 1-1 we gota break the tie at christmas.

erin and eddie