it's been a while since I've written anything. I don't really know why I blog at all I know no one reads it but it's nice to get it out of my head. So I'm still in Albany. It's not so bad lol. Early voting is almost over with but I do have a new job that's coming up. A photography job. This man bought a part in a franchise and is opening it up here in Albany and he needs someone to run it. Guess who that is! ME! I'm terrified pretty much. I always said I never wanted to run a business. I'm to afraid to handle it all, but I'm going to. I know that I can do it otherwise God wouldn't have opened the door to for me to this opportunity. I know that I can do this! I know that it's an amazing opportunity for me, a great start for my career, a great experience for me. With everything that I can learn from it I can do anything afterward. I'll be able to run my own business or be part of a magazine or sale my work where ever I want. It will give me confidence in my self and give me strength. And it came at the perfect time. I've only got about a week left of work at the elections office so I was in desperate need of a job. And I'm also single now, so I need a lot of things to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.
Yea I'm single now. again lol. I know that last time I said that I said that I would be single for a while because that's what I needed to do. That I've been in a relationship for 7 years and I just need to be alone to figure out who I am and stand on my own. Well that didn't really pan out like it was suppose to. I made some mistakes that really brought me down and then I just turned right back around and got back into the same relationship with little change in how things were. So now it's been 8 years in relationships, and I'm still going to say the same thing. I need to be on my own for a while. Except this time I know who I am! I know what I want in life and in a relationship. I know what I want to do with my life and I trust God. I'll try to go threw whatever door he opens for me and I'll try to keep closed the doors that he closes. I don't want to look back and know that I missed an opportunity that He put in front of me. I know what I want in a relationship. I know that no one is perfect and there will always be problems in every relationship. No one should change to be someone else but I do believe people can change to be a better them. I can't change to be what someone wants me to be, to be someone I'm not, but I can change to be a better me!
I'm not going to tell people want I want in a relationship or in a guy because I don't want people to pretend to be that. I don't want someone to be those things just because or worse they're using you. When people know what you want they can use that to get what they want. It's the same as when people know what hurts you they can use it whenever they want and they will. People will hurt you on purpose if they know how to. So I don't want to give any one that chance, that opportunity, that power.
I said that I need to be on my own for a while, and I know that the last time it didn't work out but that was different. This time it's not just because I need to it's because I want to. I didn't want to be alone last time. I was afraid to be on my own, to stand alone, to go through life with no one to lean on, no one to be there for me. But I was wrong I have friends and family who love me, who care about me. People who I can lean on when I need to, talk to when I need them, they'll be there for me when I need them. I'm not alone. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for, the most amazing sister that anyone could have. They have always been there for me and they always will be and that gives me relief and strength to go on. To know that I'm not doing this by myself.
I AM FACING MY BIGGEST FEAR!
The fear of being alone and I'm realizing that I'm never really going to be alone. I have friends and family and above all God. But I know that I will be lonely because I will be missing out on being in a relationship with someone I truly love and loves me in return. But like I said this time I'm not just being alone because I need to, it's because I want to. I don't want to give my heart to someone else just to have it broken again. I'm tired of all the stress, strain, and pain. I don't want to go through it again. I'm not sure I even can. My trust has been broken and I don't know if I'll be able to trust again. I exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not sure that I can be in a relationship again. I don't know if I have the energy or will power to put myself at risk again. The risk or hurt, pain, crying, doubt, confusion. I've put myself on the line, I have fallen too many times and no one caught me. I'm not sure I can do it again. I think I might just be replacing my fear of being alone with a fear of being hurt. And that may be unhealthy and not a real solution but I'm ok with it for now. I'm 23 and have plenty of time to figure out how to love again so for now I'm just going to try not to worry about it.
So that's all I got for now. Maybe something great will happen for me to write about soon.
