Builder Bash

 Something that I've really enjoyed since moving to Charleston has been shooting the Charleston's Habitat for Humanity's Annual Builder Bash event. 

I've had the great pleasure of shooting it for the past 6 years. I really enjoy working with them. It's such a fun and exciting event to be at. They have a silent auction and a live auction which is always fun to watch. There's great live music and always great food. People dress in "Construction Couture." It's so fun to see what people come up with every year.

They can be found on my website. 

Till Death Do Us Part

After Chris passed away several people told me to just keep on praying and God will send me the "one." It made me so mad! 

1. Did they think that I had wasted 7 years of my life with Chris? 

2. Did they think that because Chris died he wasn't the person I was supposed to be with? 

3. Did they think that I had made a wrong decision somewhere along the way and being with Chris wasn't part of God's plan for my life? 

I knew none of that was true. People were just trying to be kind and supportive. That was all. But it made me think about those questions. Made me wonder if people actually thought those things. I didn't. I didn't waste my life with Chris. I don't regret being with him at all. That thought has never once crossed my mind. 

So, let me give you a little background information about the relationship Chris and I had. Chris and I met on Saturday night, June 1st 2013, in Myrtle Beach. I was there with 3 of my friends and their husbands (yes, I was the only single one lol. Story of my life) and he was there with his cousin and his cousins friends. It was completely spontaneous silly circumstances that he was even in Myrtle Beach! So, for us to even meet . . . definitely God's plan. We exchanged phone numbers and talked to each other every day that week and on Friday I went to Charleston, where he lived, to see him for the weekend. 

Back at work in Leesburg on Monday morning, I was job searching in Charleston. I knew! I knew that I had to be with him. That's all there was to it. And he felt the same. After months and months of job searching, interviews, and apartment hunting, I moved to Charleston January 2nd 2014. About 2 weeks later I started working at the College of Charleston. We lived in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment and we loved it! lol. We lived there for a few years and then in September of 2017 we bought a townhome, where I still live. 

The love that Chris and I had was something that I didn't even believe existed before I met him. It was love at first sight, passionate, effortless. I swear I think we made each other laugh every single day. Even during the rough years that we struggled through we still loved one another. Without a doubt.

Not my will but thy will be done. It's not always about us! God has a plan for everyone and those plans cross, intertwine, blend, and merge. It was God's plan for me to be in Chris's life. For me to be with him through those tough times. 

Love is a crazy and powerful thing. Chris might not have been the person that I get to spend my life with but I got to be that person for him. And I feel so blessed to have gotten to be that person. 

The book of Esther 4:14, "And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" God placed her in a position to help her people. I believe that God placed me in Chris's life to help him and love him through it all. 

There's one thing that really helped me, Chris's mom, and his sister when he passed away and that's something that his sister's husband told us. Chris died knowing he was loved. He knew that we all deeply loved him and were there to support him, which wasn't always the case during his spiral down. And so many addicts pass away all alone, with no one, disowned from their family and friends. We were blessed to have time at the end to spend with him clean and happy and loved. 

Here's where the tears are going to come. Not many people know that I was the last person to see Chris. He came over to the house that day and we spent the afternoon together. We got lunch, watched tv, and played with Greta. Then he said he was going to go to an AA meeting. I said ok. He got his stuff together, we hugged and kissed and said "I love you" just like we always do. I sat back down on the couch and he went to the door. I heard him trying to put his shoes on with Greta bugging him hahaha. And I don't know what came over me but I needed to tell him "I love you" again. So from the couch, down the hallway, I yelled in my boisterous funny voice "IIIII LOOOOOVEEEE YOOOOUUU!!!" I heard him laugh, pause and then say "I love you too" with a chuckle in his voice.

Then he left. And that was the last time we saw each other and the last words we spoke to one another. Those were the last words anyone spoke to him. And I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel. To go back and think that he might have been alone when he passed away but he knew he wasn't alone in life. He knew his family loved and supported him, his friends loved and supported him, and I loved and supported him.  

Chris might not have been the person that I get to spend the rest of my life with but I got to be that person for him. And I feel so blessed to have gotten to be that person. I can't think of a greater honor. 

Worst Night of My Life

So, I’ve been thinking about getting this story out for a long time now and I’ve been putting it off and putting it off cause I really didn’t want to deal with it. But I just feel like God’s been laying on my heart to do it and get this out. I don’t know if it’s for me or for someone else who might read it. I don’t know, but I’m doing it. And if you are a family member or a close friend of mine you might not want to read this because it’s going to make you cry. So just warning everyone.

Ok. So, I want to share about the scariest worst night of my life. How listening to God above all others changed my life. The power of prayer and recognizing and appreciating the miracles that God gives us instead of getting caught up on the the miracles that aren’t happening for us.

Alright, so most people might think that the worst night of my life was the night I found out that Chris had died, but it actually isn’t. The worst night of my life is the night Chris almost died.

Chris had struggled with addiction for a couple of years. Then in February of 2020 he went into a rehab facility here in Charleston. He did amazing. He was doing the 12-step program. Dedicated his life to the Lord. Things just clicked for him there. We were all very hopeful. Cautious but hopeful. He was there for 4 months. He comes home to live with me again. And I had set up boundaries, and rules, and schedules in place of course as you do when you’re dealing with recovery. We were figuring out what the next steps are for him and us.

About a week passed and some drama started going down one day. I’m not going to get into the whole story but I didn’t involve me, so I wasn’t really sure what was happening, what was being said, by whom, but I was being told by multiple people from the rehab facility that he was using again and I shouldn’t let him in my house. Now I’ve kicked Chris out of the house several times before because of circumstances involving his addiction so I knew the deal. But something about this time that felt strange. I just wasn’t comfortable with the situation. I needed to see him and hear his story in person from him. Even if I knew it was going to be a bunch of crap there was still something about this day that felt different. I was torn for some reason and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way.

So, I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Pretty much just in constant communication with God. And listening intently. When you’re listening to God it’s not with your ears it’s with your soul. I just felt Him telling me to let Chris come home. That I needed to be with Chris tonight. So, I did. I went against what professionals told me, what all the books will tell you to do, and what I had done in past. I let him come home.

He gets home, and I can already kind of tell he’s been using. But he’s denying it like always, so I just go about my evening and keep an eye on him. Like alright God you told me to let him back in the house. I’m going with it. I’m following You Lord.

A couple of hours go by and Chris goes up stairs to the bathroom. I’m sitting on the couch about to eat some cereal when I hear a loud thud like something heavy has been dropped. I think there’s nothing in the bathroom that big that could make that noise. Crap, what if he fell? So, I rush upstairs and call his name, “Chris?” no answer. “Chris are you ok?” still no answer. I check the door and it’s locked of course. Panic creeps in because I know what’s happened.

So, after a couple of tries I bust in the door.  There he was slumped over on the floor against the bathtub. Unconscious. Paraphernalia laying on the floor and on the counter. He had overdosed. I rolled him over and laid him on his back to check to see if he was breathing. He wasn’t. He was going pale, lips turning blue, whole thing. I’m now YELLING at him to WAKE UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, BREATH! I jump up and get the Narcan which I kept in the bathroom closet, so it’d be handy in case of ever such an event. I ripped open the box and looked at the directions. Thank God for pictures because there was no way I was going to read tiny little detailed print in an emergency. So, I rolled him over on his side, lifted his head to open his air way and used one of the Narcan cartridge things. It was a nasal spray. And I waited. I was crying so hard. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. He took one gasp for breath and that was all. Nothing more. He still wasn’t breathing. I was screaming for him to just breath. JUST BREATH PLEASE! I was begging God with all I had to let him breath. But he wasn’t. So, I gave him the second dose of Narcan. And I prayed for God to make him breath. And he gasped for breath. And then another big one. Trying to get air. It sounded awful and difficult. He was struggling but he was breathing. I of course was just balling my eyes out. I rolled him back onto his back. He was slowly gasping for air. Every breath sounded like a struggle. Now, Chris has asthma, so I was afraid that this was his asthma now kicking in and he doesn’t have his albuterol inhaler. Like great the Narcan worked but his asthma is now the problem and there’s nothing I can do about it because we don’t have an inhaler and he’s unconscious.

I knew I needed to call 911 but I had no idea where his phone was, and my phone was downstairs. So, I ran downstairs, grabbed my phone and started dialing 911 as I ran back up the stairs. I was squatting over him, placed the phone on the ledge of the bathtub while it rang. I had it on speaker phone. It rang so many times. I just kept talking to Chris telling him to keep breathing, keep breathing. He was sweating so much and was burning up. And I was rubbing his face hoping he would open his eyes. Finally, the 911 dispatch lady picked up. I gave her my address and told her what was happening. Told her that I gave him two doses of Narcan and he’s still not really breathing well. So, she had me give him mouth to mouth to just get him a few breaths, help open things up, something. I don’t really know. But it worked. I gave him 2 breaths and that did the trick. He started breathing steadier and smoothly.

She told me that the ambulance was on its way. And thankfully I live like 2 miles away from the EMS station. She had me go back down stairs and unlock the door and I put Greta up in the guestroom, so she wouldn’t get in the way. Then I ran back upstairs. Chris was still breathing well. And I was on my knees straddling him, still on the phone with 911, and I was rubbing his face, wiping all the sweat away. And he started to open his eyes. So, I started talking to him. He was still unconscious. Had no idea what was going on. But he opened his eyes. So, I told him “Hey”. And just kept telling him he was ok. “You’re ok. You’re ok.” And he was looking around just in a complete daze. It really did look like a fish out of water. Eyes are open, mouth is open, trying to breath but there was just nothing. Just a blank look on his face. The EMT’s get there. Come inside and I yell that we’re upstairs. They come upstairs and into the bathroom and I get out of their way. There were 2 or 3 EMT’s I can’t remember. But there were 2 police officers. So, while the EMT’s dealt with Chris I sat on the bed and talked to the police. Told them what happened and answered all their questions. The EMT’s got Chris sitting up and then standing. Got him to walk downstairs and sit on the couch. And the police and I went in the bathroom. They took the drugs and paraphernalia and they tested it right there on my bathroom counter to see what it was. I knew what it was, but they were really testing to see if there was fentanyl in it. And it did. He didn’t even take the full dose. That’s how instant, extreme, and violent fentanyl is. The police told me I would need to deep clean the whole bathroom and I would need to wear gloves because fentanyl can be absorbed through the skin. So, you don’t want to touch anything! One of the police officers was a woman and she pulled out a pair of latex gloves and gave them to me.

We went downstairs, and Chris was sitting on the couch with the EMT’s asking him his name, age, the day of the week, the year, who the president was. They told us that because Narcan has a half life they would either have to wait with us there at the house for like 45 mins to make sure once the Narcan wore off he didn’t go back into an overdose. Or we could go to the hospital. Chris looked up at me and said, “it’s up to you. I’ll do whatever you want me to do” So I said we’re going to the hospital. I walked him out to the ambulance. Then got my purse and got in my car and followed them to the hospital. We were only there maybe 45 minutes then went home. The next day his sister came over from California for two weeks and we all got together and figured out some next steps and got Chris into an Oxford house.

Mainly I was just so relieved that I had let Chris come home that night. What if he had been somewhere else? I just knew it was our miracle. God told me to bring him into the house that night and watch him. It wasn’t until a few days later when his mom made a comment that it was a miracle that I was in the house and heard him fall. I could have been outside with Greta and never heard him fall! It was a miracle. Instead of finding Chris unconscious I could have found him dead. It was a month later that Chris overdosed and passed away. We all felt so blessed that we had gotten another month with him. His sister had come down from California and spent two whole weeks with him.

So often we can get caught up on the miracles we don’t get that we can forget to see and recognize and be thankful for the ones that we do get.  Chris could have died that night if I hadn’t listened to God and followed what I believed He was telling me. I’m not patting myself on the back by any means. This is all Gods blessings! He gave us another chance and more time with Chris. And I will always be eternally grateful and blessed for that opportunity that God gave us. How could I not? I got to see him clean and happy and healthy. We got to see him as his old self again. His true self. It wasn’t the strung-out addict that I had to deal with for so long. It was him. It was Chris again. And I feel blessed beyond measure to have that time and those moments as my last with him. And it was all because of God. And I thank Him all the time for the wonders that He gives to us.

Welp, that is my story of the worst night of my life and how God worked a miracle in my life. I hope that anyone that reads this and or hears my story will remember to always keep praying. Keep listening for God and pay attention because you never know what miracle He might be working in your life. Be thankful because we are all so blessed. 

 

Rehab Round 1

 Where to start? Getting someone into rehab is really difficult. And I'm not just talking about convincing them to go. I'm talking about actually finding a rehab facility. If you know someone that might eventually need rehab one day you need to start looking NOW. Some places aren't open on the weekends. Some places don't admit people on Sundays. Every place costs a different amount, it's super expensive. If the addict is already in treatment such as methadone, like Chris was, some places won't take them. 

October 2019. Getting Chris into rehab. Woo that was difficult! Chris and I were doing terrible. He was gone 99% of the time and only came home to crash, and even then he slept in the guest bedroom because I didn't want to see him. I don't know how many times I had kicked him out of the house. 

I walk downstairs one Saturday and check on him in the guest bedroom. I was livid by what I saw. I texted his parents and said someone's got to come get him because I can't do this anymore. His mom called me and asked what was going on. I told her he was passed out sitting up in bed with drugs. I disposed of the drugs but I didn't want him in my house anymore. She said was she was on her way over and we were going to get him in rehab! She and her bf arrive at my house and I sit with them in her car outside the house for 2 hours calling people trying to find a rehab place that would take him. It was a Saturday and no one was answering the phones anywhere. We finally get a hold of some hotline number and a nice guy asked us a bunch of questions like, what's he on? How much does he use? Is in in treatment somewhere? Is he on methadone? How much is his dosage? How soon are yall wanting to admit him? etc. He gets all our information and gets off the phone with us to make some phone calls himself. So, while we're waiting to hear back from him we're still trying to call other places with no luck. 

He finally calls back and says there's only ONE place that will take Chris, because he's on methadone and the dosage that he's on is high. Methadone is harder to detox from than actual illegal drugs. I could go on a huge long rant about methadone but that'll be another post probably. So, we said fine! We want to talk to these people and set it up! It was in Wilmington, NC. We talk to the lady who owns and runs the place. Find out they don't do the 12step program but they do a lot of other stuff. (Now, I might be biased because I'm Christian and I've also seen how Chris was in this program and in the 12step program, but I believe if you are not in the 12 step program you are fucked! It's 12step or nothing!) But we didn't know anything about rehab really and this was the only place that would even take Chris to detox off of methadone and drugs. So we set it up! Now, just to get Chris to agree. 

We walk inside my house and wake Chris up. Sit down with him and talk to him about his addiction, what it's doing to him, to me, to everyone, we explained the rehab place. And Chris was pissed. lol. Of course. As all drug addicts are when they hear the word rehab. I was crying. His mom was crying. We were a mess. We finally get him to agree. I went upstairs and threw a bunch of his stuff in his suitcase and we spent the night over at his moms house because we were afraid he would run away that night if he stayed at home with me. (also at this time I finally broke down and I called my parents to tell them everything that was going on. I hadn't told them a single thing about Chris's addiction. They had no idea! Pride was a problem of mine and asking for help was not something I was good at. I've learned and grown since then.) Chris was so mad at me and his mom. Didn't speak to us at all that night. We had some yummy Chinese food for dinner, I did Chris's laundry, Chris fell asleep on the couch, his mom and her bf went upstairs to bed. I stayed up all night! Doing laundry, folding laundry, packing his suitcase. And I laid on the floor next to him in the den the whole night and watched tv. I don't know why I just couldn't bring myself to go lay in the bed in the guestroom. I wanted to stay by his side the whole night. I just didn't want him to think that we were doing this to him as punishment. I wanted him to understand that we were doing it out of love. And because I loved him I stayed by his side the whole night even though he was sound asleep. 

The next day we set out. Sunday morning at 4am! Got Chris loaded in the back of the car where he went back to sleep. And his mom drove and I navigated. 4 hours to Wilmington, NC! We stopped at a McDonald's to eat some breakfast. Chris started to wake up and actually speak to us again. When his mom went to the bathroom he apologized for how he acted and said he didn't realize how bad things had gotten but that if I thought he needed to go to rehab then he did. He asked if I slept good last night. I laughed and said, "I haven't been to sleep yet. I did your laundry, packed your suitcase, and spent the night on the floor next you watching tv." He was so apologetic. It was hitting him how bad things had become and that I was doing all this because I loved him and wanted him to get better. It wasn't to punish him for what he had done to me. It was about getting him better so that we could be together! I wanted to be with him! I wanted my Chris back! 

We got there and answered lots of questions, made a payment, said our tearful goodbyes, and Chris's mom and I drove back home. Chris was there a month. It was not the place for him. It isn't the place for anyone. They didn't communicate well with us. Chris of course was trying to manipulate his way out because that's what addicts do. And his mom eventually pulled him out of there. Actually his uncle went up there and got him and brought him back to his place in Myrtle Beach. I drove over to Myrtle the next day and spent a long weekend with him there. He seemed like he was a little better but he was still using. He stayed there a week before coming back to Charleston. 

October 2019 at Myrtle Beach

Sunrise at Myrtle Beach

Poison Ivy

 So, last year I got poison ivy for the first time in my life. It SUCKED! It was April and I feel like I was spending more time outside than inside because I was trying to house break Greta. It was allergy season which was a nightmare! I have terrible spring allergies, but since moving to Charleston my allergies have actually done pretty well up here. Probably cause there's less grass here. Anyways, so I was already dealing with my awful allergies and taking Benadryl several times a day. Then this rash appears on my legs. And in a very interesting pattern. Exactly where Greta jumps in my lap. I had these little lines across my legs from where Greta had run through some poison ivy then jumped on me. 

Since I was already taking lots of Benadryl I thought that would help it. NOPE! After a week I gave in and contacted my doctors office. They gave me a steroid pack to help. 

April 10th

It did some. It really helped my allergies though. Man my nose and head felt great! lol. My poison ivy was itching less but it was still pretty bad. Now, here's the deal with poison ivy, you're supposed to dry it out and then it'll get better. Well, for someone that has eczema drying out your skin causes it's own set of problems. I was trying dry out the areas the poison ivy was on and put lotion on the rest of my legs. Not an easy thing to do. 

Then several people on Facebook told me to use apple cider vinegar on it. I did the research and tried it out. The first time I did, it seemed to help some. The next time I tried, it destroyed me. It actually burned my skin everywhere I had put it. It was a nightmare. I was absolutely miserable. Good thing it was during the pandemic so I had no where to go. 

I was itching and hurting and felt like I was losing my mind. So, I went to the store and got this poison ivy kit and soaked in a bath of this stuff, btw I am NOT a bath person, but I would do anything to stop this. It worked. I would recommend this stuff to everyone! I did it a few times and it REALLY worked wonders. it took almost 2 months for it to be completely gone! If I ever get poison ivy again I'll be using this stuff 1st! Also Greta and I don't walk where the poison ivy is nor do we walk in wooded areas or near anything that resembles ivy of any sort! I'm paranoid about it now!

April 18th

GRETA!

Chris and I had always wanted to get a dog, but we lived in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment for a long time that didn't allow pets. Then we moved into the house but life began spiraling so getting a dog took a backseat to dealing with everything else. But as I struggled to deal with everything I kept thinking how it would be just a little bit easier if I had a dog at home to keep me company when Chris is missing. A dog to snuggle with me on nights when I don't know where and what Chris is doing. A dog that would bring some joy to my life when nothing else was joyful. So, I started looking. I started doing research on dogs. I liked every Facebook page of animal shelters in the Charleston area. I looked at their pages every single day! I started saving money. I was getting ready! 

Things got really bad at home. I kicked Chris out of the house again and I turned my phone off for a weekend so no one could bother me. I just wanted to be left alone for a few days. I didn't text anyone, talk to anyone, or check social media. I just chilled at home, alone, watching tv, and recharging. I finally turned my phone back on Sunday night and found out from Chris's sister that his mom had got him into a rehab facility here in town. "Ok. Good. I'm glad. Sorry, but I can't deal with all that any more. I'm done for a while." And they all understood. A week passed by and Saturday came around and I see this cute little dog that the Charleston Humane Society has up for adoption. And they'll have it out at a store on Saturday morning if people want it. I think oooo that'd thing would be perfect but I bet there's no way I'll beat the crazy soccer moms getting there 1st. Let me tell you about the stay-at-home moms here in Charleston. Apparently, these women have absolutely nothing going on in the mornings or during the weekdays. Because on every single post that an animal shelter would put up on Facebook, within 10 mins some lady would say she's on her way to get the dog. I'm talking about middle of the day on a week day! It was ridiculous. I was always mad because I had a job and couldn't just up and leave to go pick up a dog. And I wasn't the only one. There were many people who left comments on posts about how they wish they had nothing better to do during the day than go adopt dogs. LOL. There was a lot of jealousy happening. 

Anyways, I figured, "Might as well try" so, I drove over there and sure enough some crazy lady had gotten there before the store even opened and before the Humane Society people had even gotten there with the dog! So, I left feeling absolutely defeated. How was I ever going to get a dog if there was always going to be some other lady getting there before me. I started crying. lol. In my car, driving around downtown in an area I didn't know, crying, and asking God why can't I get a dog. lol. Yes, dramatic I know. I had a lot going on OK! I knew they were having some other dogs at a PetSmart across town, but I couldn't remember what the dogs looked like. I figured they were probably not ones I would want anyways, but it's only 9:30am on a Saturday. I've got nothing else to do today. So, I headed over there. 

I walk into the store and the Humane Society people had just finished setting up. There were two separate pens. One had some white chihuahua puppies (no thank you!) and a pen that had these adorable mixed puppies. Oh my gosh they were so cute. I ask the guy what they are and he said terrier mix, which really means we have no idea. He asked if I wanted to get in the pen with them, and I just couldn't help myself. I had to! So, I'm sitting there with these 3 adorable puppies and the girl puppy is just the cutest sweetest lovable thing you've ever seen. Her name was Greta. I looked up and the man and said, "Welp that's it! I've got to take her home!" He said, "Really?" I said, "Yup! I've got to have her!" And that's how I got my sweet munchkin! 

February 22, 2020

 

She was 2 months old, 7lbs, zero training, curly tail, floppy puppy ears, big feet, and wrinkled face. 

I was in love! 

First day home.

First day home. She was so tiny!

Look how small she was! Ah! 

 

I had no intention of getting a puppy. I actually had been planning on getting a dog that was a couple of years old. One that was already trained and out of that puppy energy phase. But the Lord had different plans. lol. So, while Chris was in rehab I trained Greta. Taught her to sit, stay, spin, lay down, leave it, come, paw, and high-five. And we of course worked on house training. That took a while. 

The first week I had her I took her to work with me lol. It was so cute. 

Had to get her a hoodie cause she was so small and it was so cold out.

look at that face

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

Greta at 6 months old

Chris was definitely surprised when I told him I got a dog, but he was happy for me and excited to get to be with her when he got out of rehab. I think he was also happy he wasn't having to deal with the house training part hahaha.

Chris and Greta meeting for the first time

I love her face in this one hahaha

Greta loving on Chris the day after he OD'd at home.

It's been really great having her after Chris passed away. It was good having a companion and having someone to take care of, look after, and play with. She's a great lil munchkin. I love her so much. She's a 1 1/2 now. The puppy energy is starting to calm down. She's fully house trained. Absolutely LOVES people. HATES bigger dogs. And doesn't know what to do about dogs smaller than her or the same size as her. She's funny.

Just some rambling

I'm remembering now why I didn't write about all of the things that have happened to me the past couple of years. Even writing about Christmas 2019 I'm omitting things that happened. 

Folly Beach 2013

 

One thing that I never want to happen is for someone's memory of Chris be changed because of something that I share. Chris was the most amazing, kind, caring, funny, smart man that I've known. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I always will. Even at his worst. When we would fight about his addiction/circumstances/money/etc. he never spoke down to me. Never called me names and absolutely never laid a hand on me. That just wasn't in his nature. He was door slammer. lol. And one time he punched a hole in the wall but his anger was never directed at me. It was himself that he was angry with. 

He hated being an addict. He hated what he was doing, who he was around, and who he had become. He truly deeply HATED it. There really isn't a better word that describes his hatred of his addiction. He wanted more than anything to stop. To be done. To choose anything else over the addiction. But for so long he didn't know how to do that. It wasn't until he got into rehab here in Charleston and was in the 12 step program that it finally clicked for him. He understood the steps, things made sense, he finally had the tools to defeat his addiction. Now, knowing what to do and actually being able to do it are completely different things. Obviously. 

And being an addict, you can go to rehab, you can do the 12 steps, you can go to the meetings, have a sponsor, have family and friends that love and support you, but in the end it's you that has to do it. You have to make the choices. And when my dad got cancer I compared it to Chris's addiction. My dad had this awful thing inside him that was killing him. We knew what it was, how it worked, and what to do to stop it and get better. If you have cancer you do everything the doctors tell you to do. You do chemo, you do radiation, you have surgery, you eat right, exercise, whatever it takes, you do it! But then with Chris's addiction... I was just like "why aren't you doing what your supposed to be doing?" You know what's killing you, you know how it works, and we know how to defeat it now. Why are you on it's side? Why are you helping it kill you? It was unbelievably frustrating to just watch someone slowly kill themselves. It just felt like I was watching him drown and I'm throwing every life preserver there is out to save him but he doesn't grab on. 

BTW I have several analogies I use to explain and describe addiction. Well, Chris's addiction at least. I don't speak for other peoples experiences. Only Chris and me. And all of the analogies that I use I used in conversations with Chris and he always laughed and agreed. "Wow, I've never heard someone explain it like that but that's exactly what it is like." So, I feel confident in speaking for him and I don't care if people have a problem with that. Poop on them.

Holidays 2019

Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful thankfully. Chris had only been in rehab in Wilmington for a month. We pretended that everything was ok and that he was doing better but that was lie. We went to my parents. I saw some of my friends, Dad and Chris went to the gun range to shoot. Over all it wasn't a bad thanksgiving. 

By Christmas things had gotten pretty bad. We made it to my parents house but Chris had a bad eye infection so on Christmas day I had to take him to Phoebe Convenient Care to get checked out and get some meds. We also got him an eye patch to keep him from messing with it and to help it heal. It was pretty funny. Then the day after Christmas I fell on the stairs on the back porch and busted my hip open. It was a small cut but a deep one. So, I called my friend Sarah to ask her if I could just take care of it myself or if I should go get a couple of stitches. She said as long as I clean it well and bandage it closed well I'll be fine. So, that's what we did. Cleaned it out real well, used two butterfly strip thingys to hold it closed and then put a big band-aid over it all to keep my pants from rubbing it. It sucked! But what really sucked was having to drive to Atlanta later that day. Because Chris only had one good eye I had to do all the driving. lol.

Pirate Chris

Chris and Gmommy asleep and my dad peeking in through the window

my boo boo

 

We got to Atlanta and spent the night at my parents condo. Chris was struggling with his addiction and I didn't sleep because I was worried about him and my hip was killing me. Then the next day we went over to Chris's granddads house to spend time with his family. We had a great time and his family got a kick out of seeing the pair of us looking like we've been beating up on each other. We were a mess. Chris had to help me get in and out of the car, up and down from the couch, etc. Bending was not easy with a cut and bruise on your hip.

 

 

 

We spent the night at his granddads house with everyone, then the next day we went over to my sisters to have Christmas with them. We had a great time. After spending some time there we left and came home. It was a very very long drive with a sore hip. Chris slept pretty much the whole way with his lovely eye patch on.