Just some rambling

I'm remembering now why I didn't write about all of the things that have happened to me the past couple of years. Even writing about Christmas 2019 I'm omitting things that happened. 

Folly Beach 2013

 

One thing that I never want to happen is for someone's memory of Chris be changed because of something that I share. Chris was the most amazing, kind, caring, funny, smart man that I've known. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I always will. Even at his worst. When we would fight about his addiction/circumstances/money/etc. he never spoke down to me. Never called me names and absolutely never laid a hand on me. That just wasn't in his nature. He was door slammer. lol. And one time he punched a hole in the wall but his anger was never directed at me. It was himself that he was angry with. 

He hated being an addict. He hated what he was doing, who he was around, and who he had become. He truly deeply HATED it. There really isn't a better word that describes his hatred of his addiction. He wanted more than anything to stop. To be done. To choose anything else over the addiction. But for so long he didn't know how to do that. It wasn't until he got into rehab here in Charleston and was in the 12 step program that it finally clicked for him. He understood the steps, things made sense, he finally had the tools to defeat his addiction. Now, knowing what to do and actually being able to do it are completely different things. Obviously. 

And being an addict, you can go to rehab, you can do the 12 steps, you can go to the meetings, have a sponsor, have family and friends that love and support you, but in the end it's you that has to do it. You have to make the choices. And when my dad got cancer I compared it to Chris's addiction. My dad had this awful thing inside him that was killing him. We knew what it was, how it worked, and what to do to stop it and get better. If you have cancer you do everything the doctors tell you to do. You do chemo, you do radiation, you have surgery, you eat right, exercise, whatever it takes, you do it! But then with Chris's addiction... I was just like "why aren't you doing what your supposed to be doing?" You know what's killing you, you know how it works, and we know how to defeat it now. Why are you on it's side? Why are you helping it kill you? It was unbelievably frustrating to just watch someone slowly kill themselves. It just felt like I was watching him drown and I'm throwing every life preserver there is out to save him but he doesn't grab on. 

BTW I have several analogies I use to explain and describe addiction. Well, Chris's addiction at least. I don't speak for other peoples experiences. Only Chris and me. And all of the analogies that I use I used in conversations with Chris and he always laughed and agreed. "Wow, I've never heard someone explain it like that but that's exactly what it is like." So, I feel confident in speaking for him and I don't care if people have a problem with that. Poop on them.