I know that the love I dream of is only in fairy tales. But I'd settle for real love :). Today one of my best friends got engaged. I'm sure it was incredibly sweet cause that's how her guy is hahaha. And she totally deserves it. I'm sure she broke down crying, she's probably still crying, and I'm sure it was just wonderful. And I have to say when I got the text from her saying she was engaged I was so excited and happy for her but at the same time I was sad. Cause now in our group of 6 girls there are only 2 of us that are single. And the other girl hasn't ever had a bf and she seems pretty content with it. But that's just how she is. She's wonderful! Me on the other hand . . . . I hate it lol. But in my other group of 3 none of us are married, but one has a baby and her and her bf/baby daddy live together and the other girl is practically engaged so once again that leaves me still hating it. I love my friends and I only want the best for them. They mean the world to me. I am just ecstatic for them when they find someone who makes them happy and when they get married. They all deserve the best and deserve to be happy and hopelessly in love.
It just hurts when you want to feel that too. When you know what your missing out on. It's like a fat kid who's gotten a taste of chocolate cake and then gets sent to fat camp. Other people get chocolate cake but not the fat kid. Anyways. . .
I want some romance for a change. I don't think it's that hard to think of something and there's always the internet, just Google it and get ideas from other people. Or ask someone. I know guys don't like to talk about stuff that doesn't involve sports, shooting something, food, or something incredibly gross, but I think guys should grow some balls and ask each other for help. Get some ideas from friends it's not that big of a deal. I just don't understand. Anyways. . . . .
I think I'm just bummed out. And I'm sick and having a fever is really annoying. I'm just hoping I don't have to wake up in the night to take more ibuprofen to get rid of it. That would suck. Anyways. . . .
I think I've complained enough for tonight. . . . probably enough to last a while.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
it's time to listen to myself
Often times we get caught up in what we think we should do, what's important, we listen to others and what they think we should do. We lose track of ourselves. There are so many different voices telling you what you should do. To many peoples opinions playing a roll in your life. You forget to listen to yourself. What is it you want? Is this what you want? This can really be a problem when your going through a lot of changes in your life. Your afraid that you don't know what to do anymore, you don't know the right decisions to make, so you let others make them for you. When you realize that you figure out that this stuff isn't that important. It's just one more thing in life you have to get through. Worse case scenario you make a bad decision and God brings you back on track. He always does. If you get off God's plan for you life He always will bring you back. You might have missed something that He had planned for you but He'll put something new in your life and put you back on path. God will always be there to pick you up when you fall.
So what I've been thinking is what I should be doing what I thought was so important. . . . . it isn't. And I quit. I hate quitting anything that I do. Feels like I've failed, wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough. And with this that feeling is slightly there but for the most part I feel relief from the stress, the bull shit. It isn't worth the stress that it's taking on me. It isn't what I wanted. I knew it from the beginning but I didn't listen to myself. I listened to everyone else who said this is perfect, exactly what I was looking for and needed. NO IT ISN'T!!! This isn't what I was looking for at all and it's defiantly not what I need right now. If something effects you this much it can't be the right thing. So I quit! It's scary but it is what it is. And like I said worse case scenario I'm making a mistake but God will bring something else into my life to get me back on His path for me. But I really don't think I will regret not toughing it out here. It's causing more damage than it is good. I don't know Gods plan for my life and it seems to change on a daily basis but I know that He has one for me and He will always be here for me no matter what I do.
So what I've been thinking is what I should be doing what I thought was so important. . . . . it isn't. And I quit. I hate quitting anything that I do. Feels like I've failed, wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough. And with this that feeling is slightly there but for the most part I feel relief from the stress, the bull shit. It isn't worth the stress that it's taking on me. It isn't what I wanted. I knew it from the beginning but I didn't listen to myself. I listened to everyone else who said this is perfect, exactly what I was looking for and needed. NO IT ISN'T!!! This isn't what I was looking for at all and it's defiantly not what I need right now. If something effects you this much it can't be the right thing. So I quit! It's scary but it is what it is. And like I said worse case scenario I'm making a mistake but God will bring something else into my life to get me back on His path for me. But I really don't think I will regret not toughing it out here. It's causing more damage than it is good. I don't know Gods plan for my life and it seems to change on a daily basis but I know that He has one for me and He will always be here for me no matter what I do.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving crazyness
So Thanksgiving this year has been a crazy one. So my sister and her family were suppose to be coming to Albany for Thanksgiving on Wednesday. But then on Tuesday she calls and says that shes got strep throat and doesn't know if they can come. So we were just going to wait and see how she feels after shes been on antibiotics. So she said they would probably be coming on Thursday. Well Wednesday around 10am my mom calls me while I'm at work and says that G-mommy (gmommy had surgery on Sunday and has been in the hospital since) has now gotten a blood clot and her kidneys aren't working so we have to go to Atlanta. So I left work at 12 went home packed and drove mom to straight to the hospital. So my mom spent the night at the hospital Wednesday night and me and my aunt went to gmommys house. That night is a whole other story itself just cause my aunt was so sleep deprived, it was hilarious. So my uncle got there and my cousin and his wife came over and spent the night there too, and another cousin and his wife got there around 12pm.
Thursday Thanksgiving morning I drove over to my sisters house which is about 45 mins away. We cooked Thanksgiving and had a great day. It was me, my sister Erin, her husband Eddie, their 3 kids, and his mom Rommie. We had a great day. My 1 year old niece was showing off and it was just so funny. She was dancing for me it was great. So that evening my mom and dad got there and ate and we all just hung around the house. At 10pm Erin, me, my mom, and Rommie went to Toys-r-us for their sales. The line was so long out around the building and down the street. So we left hahaha. . . On Friday we found out that over 5000 people went through there that night! CRAZY!!! Anyways so we left there and went to Walmart cause their sales start midnight. So we walked around for two hours getting all the stuff my sister wanted and then got in line at 11:50. We were in the check out line for almost 2hrs! I was sooooo MAD! I am not a good black Friday shopper. So we got back to the house at 2:30am. I went straight to bed.
So Friday my mom and I got our stuff together and drove back to the hospital and relieved my aunt so she could go take a shower. So we stayed for a few hours and until my uncle and some more cousins came. We went to G-mommys house and hung out with some of our family that was there then went to bed. I hardly slept at all cause I had to share a bed with my mom and she snored most of the night.
So then on Saturday my mom and some cousins went to the hospital and me, my aunt and uncle stayed at the house. We cleaned. I cleaned every bathroom in the house and did a ton of laundry just washing sheets and towels. Saturday night we all went out to eat except for my parents cause they were at the hospital. So we ate. Then I drove my aunt to the hospital to relive my parents. We were there till midnight though. We finally got back to the house and hung out with family for an hour or so then went to bed.
Then there is today Sunday. We got up early but then my aunt called and said that G-mommy wasn't doing well. She had an infection and they were moving her to ICU. So we all got dressed and got our stuff together cause some of us are leaving to go home from the hospital and others just don't know who's going to spend the night at the hospital tonight. So we get to the hospital around 11am this morning. It is now 7 and G-mommy is in surgery right now to get all the infection out. All her kids and all the grandkids have gotten to see her today. They weren't sure how things were going to go because she's not really fighting anymore. She's kinda givin up. (but before she went back into surgery she was a little more peppy than she has been so that's good) So everyone wanted to see her in case this is the last time we get to. I went back there to see her and didn't even stayed a min. I couldn't take it. For starters I am not a hospital person. They creep me out. So that was making me panic just being in that room with all that stuff. But also to see her that way was just to much. So I left. Everyone has been taking turns going in there to see her but I won't go in again. So now some of us have had to go home but the rest of us are just sitting here in the waiting room. This surgery will take at least 3 hrs. So we'll be here till late tonight. And dad and I are heading back to Albany tonight when G-mommy gets out of surgery. So no telling when we'll be getting home tonight. But for now it's just a waiting game. . . . .
Thursday Thanksgiving morning I drove over to my sisters house which is about 45 mins away. We cooked Thanksgiving and had a great day. It was me, my sister Erin, her husband Eddie, their 3 kids, and his mom Rommie. We had a great day. My 1 year old niece was showing off and it was just so funny. She was dancing for me it was great. So that evening my mom and dad got there and ate and we all just hung around the house. At 10pm Erin, me, my mom, and Rommie went to Toys-r-us for their sales. The line was so long out around the building and down the street. So we left hahaha. . . On Friday we found out that over 5000 people went through there that night! CRAZY!!! Anyways so we left there and went to Walmart cause their sales start midnight. So we walked around for two hours getting all the stuff my sister wanted and then got in line at 11:50. We were in the check out line for almost 2hrs! I was sooooo MAD! I am not a good black Friday shopper. So we got back to the house at 2:30am. I went straight to bed.
So Friday my mom and I got our stuff together and drove back to the hospital and relieved my aunt so she could go take a shower. So we stayed for a few hours and until my uncle and some more cousins came. We went to G-mommys house and hung out with some of our family that was there then went to bed. I hardly slept at all cause I had to share a bed with my mom and she snored most of the night.
So then on Saturday my mom and some cousins went to the hospital and me, my aunt and uncle stayed at the house. We cleaned. I cleaned every bathroom in the house and did a ton of laundry just washing sheets and towels. Saturday night we all went out to eat except for my parents cause they were at the hospital. So we ate. Then I drove my aunt to the hospital to relive my parents. We were there till midnight though. We finally got back to the house and hung out with family for an hour or so then went to bed.
Then there is today Sunday. We got up early but then my aunt called and said that G-mommy wasn't doing well. She had an infection and they were moving her to ICU. So we all got dressed and got our stuff together cause some of us are leaving to go home from the hospital and others just don't know who's going to spend the night at the hospital tonight. So we get to the hospital around 11am this morning. It is now 7 and G-mommy is in surgery right now to get all the infection out. All her kids and all the grandkids have gotten to see her today. They weren't sure how things were going to go because she's not really fighting anymore. She's kinda givin up. (but before she went back into surgery she was a little more peppy than she has been so that's good) So everyone wanted to see her in case this is the last time we get to. I went back there to see her and didn't even stayed a min. I couldn't take it. For starters I am not a hospital person. They creep me out. So that was making me panic just being in that room with all that stuff. But also to see her that way was just to much. So I left. Everyone has been taking turns going in there to see her but I won't go in again. So now some of us have had to go home but the rest of us are just sitting here in the waiting room. This surgery will take at least 3 hrs. So we'll be here till late tonight. And dad and I are heading back to Albany tonight when G-mommy gets out of surgery. So no telling when we'll be getting home tonight. But for now it's just a waiting game. . . . .
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
DREAM BIG
It's unrealistic for me to dream about love or being happy in a relationship. If I'm gonna have unrealistic dreams in life I'm gonna make them BIG!
I want to FLY!
I'm not talking about on an airplane I'm talking about superman flying!
LOL just my thought for the day . . .
I want to FLY!
I'm not talking about on an airplane I'm talking about superman flying!
LOL just my thought for the day . . .
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
my note
i love this song! it's amazing!
"Note to God" preformed Charice
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" - "Evan Almighty"
My soul is swept away by all the things that You do for me each day. I prayed for strength and You present opportunities for me to be strong. I prayed for courage and You gave me the opportunity to be courageous. I pray that Your love will fill my life and over flow and I can feel You pouring everyday. I pour my heart out most days and others I keep it locked away. I pray for the faith to carry on when all my hope is gone. I pray for peace to ease my heart and mind and You provide that. I pray for the wisdom to not make the same mistake twice and possibly keep from making new ones. You have brought so many good things into my life lately and I am incredibly thankful for them all. I am closer to my family, closer to my friends. I have a new job that is scary yet exciting and I know that You closed all other doors and laid this one in my lap for a reason. I know that with You by my side, with You carrying me I can do it, I can do anything. The only love I pray for is Yours. I don't know what I need and what I want changes by the seconds. It leaves me confused and exhausted so I leave it in Your hands. I know that whatever is meant to be will happen. I know that I can't go back to how things were, I won't relive those mistakes, those times of hopelessness and doubt. There were times of wonder and love but it's not enough, it won't get me through the bad times. It doesn't even out. Sometimes love isn't enough. But that's only human love. Your love is more than anyone can fathom. I know that I have fears that I might not ever over come but I know that with You working in my life in time I might be able to over come them, I know that it will be very difficult and there will be times when I want to quit but I know that You can push me through. I don't know what Your plans are for me whether I'll love again or not but whatever Your plan is for my life I know that it's for the best. I know that when my thoughts and feelings are cloudy Your always there, a shinning light guiding me through to the other side. And although I haven't made it there yet I know that better days lay ahead for me. Once I'm through this fog and over this mountain You have great things in store my life. I can already see them in motion. I don't know where they'll lead me but I trust in Your plan. I know that whatever the future holds for me that Your in control and that gives me comfort. I know that sometimes I fight You because I'm afraid of where it might take me but I know that You'll get me through one way or another. I know that I am never truly alone. That You are always with me and I can feel You, I can talk to You any time I want. You have also blessed me with the most amazing friends. They are always there for me, always praying for me. I can send out a text and within a matter of minutes my phone is going crazy with all the reply's. I think that they are some of Your best work, but my opinion is probably a bias one. I know that life will always have it's up and downs, it's hard times and good times. There will be moments when I want to give in, give up, just run away and leave it all behind but Your there for me. I know that there will also be moments of amazement and aw struck wonder. And I will hold out for those moments. I will face the bad and push my way through any pain life throws my way because I believe in Your plans for me and I want to see them through. And when the day comes that I am with You in Heaven I will fall before You and thank You for the amazing life that You have blessed me with. I already fall before You in thanks for this amazing life that you have blessed me with. The world may be in trouble and I may be in pain right now but this will all work out for Your glory in the end. You have given me life and You have fought for me to stay here. I love You.
Casey
"Note to God" preformed Charice
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" - "Evan Almighty"
My soul is swept away by all the things that You do for me each day. I prayed for strength and You present opportunities for me to be strong. I prayed for courage and You gave me the opportunity to be courageous. I pray that Your love will fill my life and over flow and I can feel You pouring everyday. I pour my heart out most days and others I keep it locked away. I pray for the faith to carry on when all my hope is gone. I pray for peace to ease my heart and mind and You provide that. I pray for the wisdom to not make the same mistake twice and possibly keep from making new ones. You have brought so many good things into my life lately and I am incredibly thankful for them all. I am closer to my family, closer to my friends. I have a new job that is scary yet exciting and I know that You closed all other doors and laid this one in my lap for a reason. I know that with You by my side, with You carrying me I can do it, I can do anything. The only love I pray for is Yours. I don't know what I need and what I want changes by the seconds. It leaves me confused and exhausted so I leave it in Your hands. I know that whatever is meant to be will happen. I know that I can't go back to how things were, I won't relive those mistakes, those times of hopelessness and doubt. There were times of wonder and love but it's not enough, it won't get me through the bad times. It doesn't even out. Sometimes love isn't enough. But that's only human love. Your love is more than anyone can fathom. I know that I have fears that I might not ever over come but I know that with You working in my life in time I might be able to over come them, I know that it will be very difficult and there will be times when I want to quit but I know that You can push me through. I don't know what Your plans are for me whether I'll love again or not but whatever Your plan is for my life I know that it's for the best. I know that when my thoughts and feelings are cloudy Your always there, a shinning light guiding me through to the other side. And although I haven't made it there yet I know that better days lay ahead for me. Once I'm through this fog and over this mountain You have great things in store my life. I can already see them in motion. I don't know where they'll lead me but I trust in Your plan. I know that whatever the future holds for me that Your in control and that gives me comfort. I know that sometimes I fight You because I'm afraid of where it might take me but I know that You'll get me through one way or another. I know that I am never truly alone. That You are always with me and I can feel You, I can talk to You any time I want. You have also blessed me with the most amazing friends. They are always there for me, always praying for me. I can send out a text and within a matter of minutes my phone is going crazy with all the reply's. I think that they are some of Your best work, but my opinion is probably a bias one. I know that life will always have it's up and downs, it's hard times and good times. There will be moments when I want to give in, give up, just run away and leave it all behind but Your there for me. I know that there will also be moments of amazement and aw struck wonder. And I will hold out for those moments. I will face the bad and push my way through any pain life throws my way because I believe in Your plans for me and I want to see them through. And when the day comes that I am with You in Heaven I will fall before You and thank You for the amazing life that You have blessed me with. I already fall before You in thanks for this amazing life that you have blessed me with. The world may be in trouble and I may be in pain right now but this will all work out for Your glory in the end. You have given me life and You have fought for me to stay here. I love You.
Casey
Sunday, November 7, 2010
what a great weekend!
So I'm changing up my post about saturday. Mainly because my whole weekend was great, so I'm going to share it all. Don't get me wrong now I am still going through a rough time. There were definately PLENTY of times friday night, alllll day saturday, and sunday when I was sad or angry or whatever. Moments when I had to turn around because people were being sweet, mushie, holding each other, kissing each other, whatever, and I didn't want think about crap. But I'm not going to talk about them. I'm only going to try and talk about the good things. Because the sad times don't make anything better or easier so no use talking about them now.
Friday I worked at the elections office and got off at 2 which was nice. So I went home took a shower and bummed around the house for a few hours. Then I had supper with my dad, and aunt penny and uncle gary. It was a nice supper. Then I went with them to the Albany Theater. My parents have season tickets and go to all the shows but this time my mom couldn't go because she had to take care of my gmommy up in atlanta. So I went with my dad. I know I'm sweet hahahahaha. . . . It was a pretty good play. The first half was kinda boring, dad kept falling asleep so that was kind of funny getting to push his elbo off the arm rest and watch him pop up. lol. The second half of the play though was really good and the ending was pretty funny. (I'm actually thinking about trying out for "guys and dolls" in the spring, but I dont know). So Friday was really nice.
Saturday was the best day I've had in such a long time! I slept "late" ha like 8:30 lol. I layed in bed till 9:30 and bummed around the house in the morning, ate lunch and then went shopping with my friend Brooke. We had a great time. I got 2 new pairs of shoes and some sweaters. I was very excited about the shoes hahahaha. Anyways I ate supper with my friend Betsy which was wonderful. We don't get to see each other very often cause she lives in Augusta, Ga. and we both have jobs and stay busy so it's always great when we get the chance to hangout and catch up. So we ate and talked for a few hours. It was so great. And then I went out with Brooke again. We were with her boyfriend, his brother and fiance, and some of their friends. While we were out we saw some people we hadn't seen in a long time and got to catch up with them. And I even got a bartenders phone number HA HA HA HA HA. . . . I told him that I had recently gotten out of a really long and bad relationship and wasn't ready to hangout with anyone like that, but thanks for the offer. I wanted to be nice about it. It was so funny. I knew the guy cause we went to high school together but he's TOTALLY NOT my type at all, and I'm not looking for anyone. I'm trying to stay away from situations like that. You know guy friends, single guys, pretty much anyone that might hit on me lol. That's not what I need right now. I need to be on my own. And I'm doing pretty well with that. But anyways it was still a nice gesture. Made me feel good anyways. Getting hit on always makes girls feel good. hahaha. . . . To know that someone thinks your pretty or funny or fun to hangout with. But the day was filled with lots of talking and lots of laughing. Gah did I laugh so much and so hard. It was a wonderful day.
Sunday I got to sleep in "late" again lol. Layed around the house until my dad got home for lunch. We made a pizza and it was hilarious! Ok so you have to understand that my dad is like a workaholic, He's a lawyer and he owns a lot of realty properties in which he does 99% of the repairs on so he works behind a desk a lot and he works with tools a lot but kitchen appliences are not his thing. He mixed the dough himself and then I sprayed the pan and layed out the dough. While I was doing that he was TRYING to open the can of pizza sauce. He could not figure out how to use the can opener to save his life! I was cracking up!!!! I couldn't help him cause my hands were covered in oil from the dough so I just tried telling him how to work it. See our can opener is one that you place on top of the can and not on the side and then turn the knob thing just like all the other can openers. Well he was trying to put it on the side of the can and of course it wouldn't stay. I just kept saying "no it goes on the top of the can. No just lay it flat on there. Not like that just hold the can opener out straight infront of you and lay it down on top of the can. Now close it together". Once he finally got the can opener on the can he held it up like it was magicly going to work by itself now. lol. So then I had to tell him "ok now you have to turn the knob". Finally he got it but it was so funny I was laughing so hard at him. He just kept saying,"I've never seen this can opener before!". Really dad!?! Because it's the only one we've ever had since we've been living in this house! But we finally got the pizza made and everything and it was a pretty good pizza. Saturday afternoon I spent with one of my bestfriends Stephanie Hand, her boyfriend Josh and her dog Sadie. We went to Turtle Park and I took pictures of them. It was a beautiful day for it and we had a great time. The pictures look so good. I'm really excited about them.
So that was my weekend. It was filled with family, friends, catching up, shooting pictures, and laughter.
Friday I worked at the elections office and got off at 2 which was nice. So I went home took a shower and bummed around the house for a few hours. Then I had supper with my dad, and aunt penny and uncle gary. It was a nice supper. Then I went with them to the Albany Theater. My parents have season tickets and go to all the shows but this time my mom couldn't go because she had to take care of my gmommy up in atlanta. So I went with my dad. I know I'm sweet hahahahaha. . . . It was a pretty good play. The first half was kinda boring, dad kept falling asleep so that was kind of funny getting to push his elbo off the arm rest and watch him pop up. lol. The second half of the play though was really good and the ending was pretty funny. (I'm actually thinking about trying out for "guys and dolls" in the spring, but I dont know). So Friday was really nice.
Saturday was the best day I've had in such a long time! I slept "late" ha like 8:30 lol. I layed in bed till 9:30 and bummed around the house in the morning, ate lunch and then went shopping with my friend Brooke. We had a great time. I got 2 new pairs of shoes and some sweaters. I was very excited about the shoes hahahaha. Anyways I ate supper with my friend Betsy which was wonderful. We don't get to see each other very often cause she lives in Augusta, Ga. and we both have jobs and stay busy so it's always great when we get the chance to hangout and catch up. So we ate and talked for a few hours. It was so great. And then I went out with Brooke again. We were with her boyfriend, his brother and fiance, and some of their friends. While we were out we saw some people we hadn't seen in a long time and got to catch up with them. And I even got a bartenders phone number HA HA HA HA HA. . . . I told him that I had recently gotten out of a really long and bad relationship and wasn't ready to hangout with anyone like that, but thanks for the offer. I wanted to be nice about it. It was so funny. I knew the guy cause we went to high school together but he's TOTALLY NOT my type at all, and I'm not looking for anyone. I'm trying to stay away from situations like that. You know guy friends, single guys, pretty much anyone that might hit on me lol. That's not what I need right now. I need to be on my own. And I'm doing pretty well with that. But anyways it was still a nice gesture. Made me feel good anyways. Getting hit on always makes girls feel good. hahaha. . . . To know that someone thinks your pretty or funny or fun to hangout with. But the day was filled with lots of talking and lots of laughing. Gah did I laugh so much and so hard. It was a wonderful day.
Sunday I got to sleep in "late" again lol. Layed around the house until my dad got home for lunch. We made a pizza and it was hilarious! Ok so you have to understand that my dad is like a workaholic, He's a lawyer and he owns a lot of realty properties in which he does 99% of the repairs on so he works behind a desk a lot and he works with tools a lot but kitchen appliences are not his thing. He mixed the dough himself and then I sprayed the pan and layed out the dough. While I was doing that he was TRYING to open the can of pizza sauce. He could not figure out how to use the can opener to save his life! I was cracking up!!!! I couldn't help him cause my hands were covered in oil from the dough so I just tried telling him how to work it. See our can opener is one that you place on top of the can and not on the side and then turn the knob thing just like all the other can openers. Well he was trying to put it on the side of the can and of course it wouldn't stay. I just kept saying "no it goes on the top of the can. No just lay it flat on there. Not like that just hold the can opener out straight infront of you and lay it down on top of the can. Now close it together". Once he finally got the can opener on the can he held it up like it was magicly going to work by itself now. lol. So then I had to tell him "ok now you have to turn the knob". Finally he got it but it was so funny I was laughing so hard at him. He just kept saying,"I've never seen this can opener before!". Really dad!?! Because it's the only one we've ever had since we've been living in this house! But we finally got the pizza made and everything and it was a pretty good pizza. Saturday afternoon I spent with one of my bestfriends Stephanie Hand, her boyfriend Josh and her dog Sadie. We went to Turtle Park and I took pictures of them. It was a beautiful day for it and we had a great time. The pictures look so good. I'm really excited about them.
So that was my weekend. It was filled with family, friends, catching up, shooting pictures, and laughter.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
facing my biggest fears
it's been a while since I've written anything. I don't really know why I blog at all I know no one reads it but it's nice to get it out of my head. So I'm still in Albany. It's not so bad lol. Early voting is almost over with but I do have a new job that's coming up. A photography job. This man bought a part in a franchise and is opening it up here in Albany and he needs someone to run it. Guess who that is! ME! I'm terrified pretty much. I always said I never wanted to run a business. I'm to afraid to handle it all, but I'm going to. I know that I can do it otherwise God wouldn't have opened the door to for me to this opportunity. I know that I can do this! I know that it's an amazing opportunity for me, a great start for my career, a great experience for me. With everything that I can learn from it I can do anything afterward. I'll be able to run my own business or be part of a magazine or sale my work where ever I want. It will give me confidence in my self and give me strength. And it came at the perfect time. I've only got about a week left of work at the elections office so I was in desperate need of a job. And I'm also single now, so I need a lot of things to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.
Yea I'm single now. again lol. I know that last time I said that I said that I would be single for a while because that's what I needed to do. That I've been in a relationship for 7 years and I just need to be alone to figure out who I am and stand on my own. Well that didn't really pan out like it was suppose to. I made some mistakes that really brought me down and then I just turned right back around and got back into the same relationship with little change in how things were. So now it's been 8 years in relationships, and I'm still going to say the same thing. I need to be on my own for a while. Except this time I know who I am! I know what I want in life and in a relationship. I know what I want to do with my life and I trust God. I'll try to go threw whatever door he opens for me and I'll try to keep closed the doors that he closes. I don't want to look back and know that I missed an opportunity that He put in front of me. I know what I want in a relationship. I know that no one is perfect and there will always be problems in every relationship. No one should change to be someone else but I do believe people can change to be a better them. I can't change to be what someone wants me to be, to be someone I'm not, but I can change to be a better me!
I'm not going to tell people want I want in a relationship or in a guy because I don't want people to pretend to be that. I don't want someone to be those things just because or worse they're using you. When people know what you want they can use that to get what they want. It's the same as when people know what hurts you they can use it whenever they want and they will. People will hurt you on purpose if they know how to. So I don't want to give any one that chance, that opportunity, that power.
I said that I need to be on my own for a while, and I know that the last time it didn't work out but that was different. This time it's not just because I need to it's because I want to. I didn't want to be alone last time. I was afraid to be on my own, to stand alone, to go through life with no one to lean on, no one to be there for me. But I was wrong I have friends and family who love me, who care about me. People who I can lean on when I need to, talk to when I need them, they'll be there for me when I need them. I'm not alone. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for, the most amazing sister that anyone could have. They have always been there for me and they always will be and that gives me relief and strength to go on. To know that I'm not doing this by myself.
I AM FACING MY BIGGEST FEAR!
The fear of being alone and I'm realizing that I'm never really going to be alone. I have friends and family and above all God. But I know that I will be lonely because I will be missing out on being in a relationship with someone I truly love and loves me in return. But like I said this time I'm not just being alone because I need to, it's because I want to. I don't want to give my heart to someone else just to have it broken again. I'm tired of all the stress, strain, and pain. I don't want to go through it again. I'm not sure I even can. My trust has been broken and I don't know if I'll be able to trust again. I exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not sure that I can be in a relationship again. I don't know if I have the energy or will power to put myself at risk again. The risk or hurt, pain, crying, doubt, confusion. I've put myself on the line, I have fallen too many times and no one caught me. I'm not sure I can do it again. I think I might just be replacing my fear of being alone with a fear of being hurt. And that may be unhealthy and not a real solution but I'm ok with it for now. I'm 23 and have plenty of time to figure out how to love again so for now I'm just going to try not to worry about it.
So that's all I got for now. Maybe something great will happen for me to write about soon.
Yea I'm single now. again lol. I know that last time I said that I said that I would be single for a while because that's what I needed to do. That I've been in a relationship for 7 years and I just need to be alone to figure out who I am and stand on my own. Well that didn't really pan out like it was suppose to. I made some mistakes that really brought me down and then I just turned right back around and got back into the same relationship with little change in how things were. So now it's been 8 years in relationships, and I'm still going to say the same thing. I need to be on my own for a while. Except this time I know who I am! I know what I want in life and in a relationship. I know what I want to do with my life and I trust God. I'll try to go threw whatever door he opens for me and I'll try to keep closed the doors that he closes. I don't want to look back and know that I missed an opportunity that He put in front of me. I know what I want in a relationship. I know that no one is perfect and there will always be problems in every relationship. No one should change to be someone else but I do believe people can change to be a better them. I can't change to be what someone wants me to be, to be someone I'm not, but I can change to be a better me!
I'm not going to tell people want I want in a relationship or in a guy because I don't want people to pretend to be that. I don't want someone to be those things just because or worse they're using you. When people know what you want they can use that to get what they want. It's the same as when people know what hurts you they can use it whenever they want and they will. People will hurt you on purpose if they know how to. So I don't want to give any one that chance, that opportunity, that power.
I said that I need to be on my own for a while, and I know that the last time it didn't work out but that was different. This time it's not just because I need to it's because I want to. I didn't want to be alone last time. I was afraid to be on my own, to stand alone, to go through life with no one to lean on, no one to be there for me. But I was wrong I have friends and family who love me, who care about me. People who I can lean on when I need to, talk to when I need them, they'll be there for me when I need them. I'm not alone. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could ask for, the most amazing sister that anyone could have. They have always been there for me and they always will be and that gives me relief and strength to go on. To know that I'm not doing this by myself.
I AM FACING MY BIGGEST FEAR!
The fear of being alone and I'm realizing that I'm never really going to be alone. I have friends and family and above all God. But I know that I will be lonely because I will be missing out on being in a relationship with someone I truly love and loves me in return. But like I said this time I'm not just being alone because I need to, it's because I want to. I don't want to give my heart to someone else just to have it broken again. I'm tired of all the stress, strain, and pain. I don't want to go through it again. I'm not sure I even can. My trust has been broken and I don't know if I'll be able to trust again. I exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not sure that I can be in a relationship again. I don't know if I have the energy or will power to put myself at risk again. The risk or hurt, pain, crying, doubt, confusion. I've put myself on the line, I have fallen too many times and no one caught me. I'm not sure I can do it again. I think I might just be replacing my fear of being alone with a fear of being hurt. And that may be unhealthy and not a real solution but I'm ok with it for now. I'm 23 and have plenty of time to figure out how to love again so for now I'm just going to try not to worry about it.
So that's all I got for now. Maybe something great will happen for me to write about soon.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Lately
Lately there really hasn't been much going on, since I've moved back to Albany. I work in the Lee Co. Elections Office during early voting (I get to see loads of stupid people). I've been thinking about starting another blog and talk about the stupid people we see, listen to and deal with. Also about things that are going on in the news and my opinion on them lol. I've had several people tell me that they would definitely read that blog hahahaha. Anyways so I have that job which is only temporary so I still need to find a permanent job. Sometimes I answer phones at my dads office. It's really boring and sometimes aggravating but I live in their house so I deal with it.
I got together with my girls for our annual summer visit/trip. We went to the lake this year (you can see some pictures on the previous blog) and it was wonderful! It actually coincided with my b-day so I got to spend my 23rd b-day with my best friends! It was the best b-day I've had since I was a child. I love my friends so much their amazing!
Other than that I really don't have much going on. Life is pretty boring but I guess that's better than being crazy and always stressed about everything.
I got together with my girls for our annual summer visit/trip. We went to the lake this year (you can see some pictures on the previous blog) and it was wonderful! It actually coincided with my b-day so I got to spend my 23rd b-day with my best friends! It was the best b-day I've had since I was a child. I love my friends so much their amazing!
Other than that I really don't have much going on. Life is pretty boring but I guess that's better than being crazy and always stressed about everything.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
WHAT A GREAT WEEKEND! ! !
It was a great weekend at the lake with some of my best friends! My birthday was on friday and spent it with them. It was probably the best birthday I've had since I was a little kid. We had a great time tubing and sking and just sitting around talking and laughing. I love my friends and don't know where I'd be without them.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Woo Hoo ! ! !
So yesterday I went to the lake with my parents and tried to ski again. I tried last year but my arm strength wasn't that great so I couldn't really pull my self up all that well. But this year I did it! It took me about 12 trys of crashing and getting bruises on my leg I finally got up and skied for about 10 seconds. Now I know that doesn't sound like very long but when you've never skied before 10 seconds feels like a long time! lol. Then saturday afternoon I tried again and got up the first time! I also lasted at LEAST 30 seconds maybe a lil longer. It was AWESOME! But then I crashed and couldn't get back up again cause I was too tired. I have 4 bruises on my legs and the whole front of my body is sunburned, but it was so much fun and I was so excited that I did it.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
more than just
I don't understand why people think that just because I'm a photographer my whole life should revolve around photography. That my whole world is all about photography and art. Guess what it doesn't! That's stupid! Being a photographer doesn't define who am. I am many things not just a photographer! I am a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, woman, single person in a committed relationship. I work at the elections and registration office. I love watching movies. I love going to the beach and hanging out with my friends. I don't even really like art. I don't know who painted what or what time period a statue was made. That does not interest me. I don't really like andy warhols work. I am not inspired very often by famous photographers from history. I am inspired by things I see in the world! Just because I went to an art school doesn't mean that I am an artsy person. I love taking photos, I like creating things with my hands, and I like doodling. That's it! I don't draw elaborate pictures, I don't paint (in fact I hate painting), I don't make sculptures our of clay or wood (I wouldn't even know how to do that), I also am not into doing all kinds of darkroom magic with my pictures. I like film I think it's fine but frankly I prefer my digital camera and a computer. That's how I work! I don't care if you think that film is better than digital. That's your opinion and I don't care about your opinion. Don't try to convince me that film is better, to me that's like having an argument about politics. If you want to argue you need to find someone else to talk to cause I am going to ignore you or just walk away. I am not much for debating technology. I use what I can afford, if you have a problem with that get over it. I can make just as good a photograph as someone one who has the most expensive stuff and someone with a point and shoot camera could make a better picture than someone with an slr camera. Yes technology can certainly help a photograph but it really comes down to the person taking the photograph and the person looking at the photograph. It's all about aesthetics and everyone's is different. So no I don't care if you don't like my work, what I use, or the way I work, because there are people out there that do. I am not going to bend over backwards to please everyone! I am going to do what I want to do, with what I want and how I want.
Do I have a passion for photography? HELL YEA I DO! But it doesn't consume my life. I love going out with my friends. I love spending time with my niece and nephews. I love sitting around talking and playing games with my sister and brother-in-law. I love going to the beach. I love cuddling up with my man on the couch and watching movies. I love traveling. I love going out doing stuff like going into thrift stores, swimming, walking, checking out the sites, etc. I love to sleep. There are so many other aspects in a persons life that make them who they are and to be defined by just one is ridiculous.
Do I have a passion for photography? HELL YEA I DO! But it doesn't consume my life. I love going out with my friends. I love spending time with my niece and nephews. I love sitting around talking and playing games with my sister and brother-in-law. I love going to the beach. I love cuddling up with my man on the couch and watching movies. I love traveling. I love going out doing stuff like going into thrift stores, swimming, walking, checking out the sites, etc. I love to sleep. There are so many other aspects in a persons life that make them who they are and to be defined by just one is ridiculous.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
IT'S FINALLY OVER WITH
So even though I finished college in March and got my diploma then too I still walked in the graduation ceremony on Saturday. So now I have no reason to ever step foot in that school again! YAY!!! I also packed up the majority of the rest of my stuff in Atlanta and furniture.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
randomness
- lysol, glade, and febreze need to get their shit together cause apparently the only thing i can use is oust cause it's the only one who makes fragrance free stuff!
- This man on the history channel actually said that we need to rethink our priorities b/c its been 50 years that we’ve had space flight and we’ve never had a mammal reproduce and the offspring reproduce in space. REALLY !!!! you think that should be a priority! No how about cleaning up the oil spill, helping people who have been effected by the earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, etc. how bout helping people who actually need it! Why are you concerned about rats having sex in space!!!
- http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_wl2271 so I really thought that this was interesting but I just couldn't believe that there were 3 wrecks because people swerved so not to hit the frogs. REALLY?!?!?! People come on just run over the frogs! There are hundreds on the road you are going to hit some of them it's inevitable. It will be ok. There are billions in the world I think the world will survive without the hand full that you would kill with your car. People are so stupid.
- so I've changed my blog around this is now my blog about me and other stuff and I have made a photography blog about my work http://csmithphoto.blogspot.com/
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